If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.”
- Alcoholics Anonymous. Page 58
Page 58 of the Alcoholics Anonymous book presents a profound question that transcends addiction and applies to anyone grappling with life’s challenges. Consider how this question might resonate with your own situation. Imagine a scenario: Your neighbor, Mr. Jones, has just acquired a sleek convertible sports car that you’ve always coveted. Are you prepared to go to any lengths to attain it? You’re faced with several options, each with its own ethical implications.
One path involves diligent effort, working tirelessly, and taking on extra hours to save the money needed to purchase the car. This route embodies hard work, dedication, and perseverance. Alternatively, you might consider cashing in your retirement account to expedite the acquisition. While this may provide a shortcut, it comes at the expense of your financial future. The most ethically fraught option is veering toward dishonesty and theft. This path would betray your moral compass, potentially leading to severe consequences.
In essence, life often presents us with choices between the right way and the wrong way to achieve our goals. Reflecting on this dilemma can shed light on our values, guiding us toward making decisions that align with our principles and integrity.
Confronting My Drinking Drawbacks:
In 2016, I grappled with a growing awareness of my drinking problem. The truth was evident, but I hesitated to admit it openly. It was in October of that year, during a phone call from St. Petersburg, Florida, that I mustered the courage to confide in my wife. I confessed my concerns about my escalating alcohol consumption and expressed my determination to quit. She had been largely unaware of the extent of my drinking, but I sought her support in my quest to stop.
At that point, I hadn’t faced legal issues like arrests or DUIs, so I convinced myself that I didn’t require the kind of comprehensive help offered by a 12-step program with a sponsor. The thought of attending meetings with strangers who might not take my struggles seriously deterred me. I was under the illusion that I could resolve everything by simply downloading a copy of the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” and reading it. I convinced myself that I had fixed the issue.
Additionally, I confided in a fellow churchgoer who also wrestled with alcohol, sharing my determination to quit. Together, we approached someone in recovery who candidly shared his own journey and emphasized that if he could achieve sobriety from drugs and alcohol, anyone could. He stressed the importance of dedicated effort and a robust support system. He even extended an offer to take us to a meeting, but at that time, neither of us was prepared to go to the lengths necessary to attain what he had achieved.
The Slippery Slope of a Relapse Story:
After 18 months of maintaining my sobriety, my mind began to play tricks on me. It whispered insidiously, suggesting that I wasn’t a true alcoholic since I had abstained for so long without the need for a rehab center or hospital detox. It cunningly reasoned that enjoying a beer wouldn’t harm me, given my apparent control. I shared these thoughts with Amy while we dined at a restaurant. I deftly steered the conversation, emphasizing that I had no issue with the beer itself; I simply relished its taste. I skillfully manipulated her into believing that a beer wouldn’t pose a threat. Manipulation was a skill I had honed well, a trait of my addiction.
Amy, trusting my words, allowed me to order that first beer and then another. We returned home, and I reassured her that those two drinks hadn’t affected me. In truth, they had. In less than a week, I had secretly stashed whiskey in the house, hidden from her watchful eye. Several months went by, and one day, she surprised me with a small jar of homemade moonshine, approximately 10 ounces of potent concoction. I decided to enjoy it while grilling dinner, convincing myself it was just a harmless sip.
That jar, however, lasted a mere 15 minutes before it was drained. It was all it took to reignite the flames of my addiction. Soon, I began crafting hard apple cider and applejack at home while continuing to stockpile whiskey throughout the house. The brand I bought depended on the cash I had on hand, but I still wasn’t ready to go to the lengths necessary for true recovery.
Going to Any Length for Recovery Became a Turning Point:
In the midst of June 2018, my frustration with drinking had reached its peak. I couldn’t bear the constant mental grip that whiskey held over me any longer. The incessant worry about how much liquor I had in the house and whether it would suffice for another day was tormenting. It was a relentless cycle that played in my mind until I rushed home to numb my thoughts with 6 to 8 shots of alcohol. It was during one of these moments that I resolved to quit drinking, and this time, it was a commitment I intended to honor.
However, just seven days later, our world was shattered by a tragic incident. My cousin’s daughter, Alyssa, lost her life in a devastating automobile accident. Alyssa was not just a relative; she was like a second daughter to us. She and my own daughter, Haley, were as close as sisters. Stacy, Alyssa’s mother, was akin to a sister to me. In the same accident, Alyssa’s sister and her boyfriend were seriously injured, with the boyfriend eventually succumbing to head trauma.
What compounded the agony was the involvement of another family member who had initially confided in us about how the accident had occurred. However, when it came time to provide a statement to the police, he altered his story, falsely placing blame on the kids. This betrayal and dishonesty fueled a surge of emotions I had never experienced before, including a deep and searing hatred.
I found myself consumed by vindictive thoughts, even praying for this man’s demise and yearning to witness his last moments so I could express my loathing. There were other disturbing thoughts that raced through my mind during this dark period. It was at this juncture that I turned to my church’s men’s group for support. I shared the tumultuous turmoil in my mind, as well as my earnest desire to quit drinking.
A compassionate friend offered invaluable advice, telling me that I needed to evict the man from my head—he was residing there rent-free, and I was allowing it. Another friend persisted, asking me when I planned to attend a recovery meeting. He refused to relent until I committed to a date. Reluctantly, I agreed to go the following week, but he pushed further, suggesting, “Why not tomorrow night?” He understood the urgency of my situation.
The next evening, the friend who had advised me to kick the tormentor out of my head accompanied me to my first meeting. At this point, I was prepared to go to any length to regain control of my life. In that room, I uttered the words to another human being that I had previously struggled to admit, even to myself: “I am an alcoholic, and my life has become unmanageable.” Remarkably, those strangers in the room transformed into friends who comprehended my pain, shared their own struggles and offered unwavering support. It was a turning point.
I was now willing to embark on the path of recovery, ready to follow a prescribed sequence of steps and open to the wisdom of others. I even gathered the courage to sit down with my daughter and confide in her about my drinking problem, assuring her that I was committed to getting better. To this day, I have upheld that promise.
This account represents just one example of what it means to go to any length. It entailed placing myself in an uncomfortable and vulnerable position to seek improvement. I acknowledged that I couldn’t conquer my demons on my own; I needed assistance, and I had to be receptive to the guidance of recovery. The journey of recovery continues, and I remain committed to it.
If you find yourself grappling with issues like depression, addiction, PTSD, anxiety, abuse, grief, or any other challenging circumstances, I implore you to ask yourself: Are you ready to go to any length to get better? Help is available for nearly every situation you face, but seeking it may not be a comfortable choice. Are you willing to reach out for help? Are you prepared to have a conversation with someone about your challenges? Ultimately, the decision is yours, and you must determine which path you want to take and whether you are willing to go to any length to get there.
Cultivating Resilience:
In conclusion, the Alcoholics Anonymous quote on page 58 offers a profound question applicable to life’s challenges beyond addiction. It prompts us to consider the lengths we are willing to go to achieve our goals, emphasizing ethical choices.
My personal journey with alcoholism involved denial and attempts to self-correct. It wasn’t until I faced personal tragedies and sought support from my church community that I finally committed to recovery. This experience taught me the importance of going to any length for recovery and seeking guidance from others.
Going to any length means placing yourself in uncomfortable situations, acknowledging your need for help, and being receptive to guidance. It’s a choice to seek improvement and embrace vulnerability. If you’re facing challenges in your life, consider whether you’re ready to go to any length to overcome them. Help is available, but the decision is ultimately yours.