An artist was commissioned to create a mural on a blank wall in his local downtown business district. He had a clear vision of the scene he wanted to depict and wasted no time in getting to work. The city council had granted him the creative freedom to craft an artwork that would showcase the town’s rich history and its vibrant present. Armed with his tools and a palette of colorful paints, he set to work on a monumental canvas that stretched across an entire city block.
As the artist diligently worked on his masterpiece day by day, curious onlookers frequently stopped to inquire about his progress. They asked questions like, “What are you painting?” and “What’s that going to be?” Some even expressed skepticism, saying, “I can’t make heads or tails of it.”
Then, one day, the mayor paid a visit to the mural site. He observed that the painter had yet to reveal any recognizable elements of the town’s history, as the images seemed to be scattered randomly across the vast concrete canvas. The mayor, somewhat impatient, scoffed, “I can’t even tell what you’re painting!”
Without missing a beat and without lifting his brush, the painter responded with unwavering confidence, “That’s because you haven’t seen the whole picture yet.”
Trusting God’s Unseen Plan:
Many times in our lives, we find ourselves in situations similar to that of the mayor and the passers-by in the illustration. We look at our circumstances and wonder, “Why is this happening?” or “What does the future hold?” We may even lament that our real-life situations don’t align with the dreams and plans we had for ourselves. It’s in these moments that we need to remember that we may not be seeing the whole picture.
God often places us in situations we don’t fully understand. Just like the unfinished mural on that wall, our lives may seem chaotic, disjointed, and unclear. We question why God allows certain events to occur or why he seems to deviate from our expectations.
One of the most challenging conversations I ever had was with my daughter on the night we had to deliver the devastating news of her sixteen-year-old cousin, Alyssa’s, tragic car accident. I can still see the look of shock, disbelief, fear, and sadness that washed over her typically cheerful face. “Why?” was the question that echoed in our hearts. Why would God allow such a precious young life to be taken away so abruptly? Why did the person responsible for the accident escape with only a few broken ribs while Alyssa’s life was cut short?
In the days that followed Alyssa’s passing, I wrestled with these questions. Alyssa was an exceptional student, a wonderful friend, a beautiful daughter and sister, and a beacon of light to everyone she encountered. She had a deep love for Jesus. Stacy, her mother, shared with us that she had found journals where Alyssa had written letters to God during her time on Earth. Alyssa was passionate about sharing her faith and what God had done in her life. The more I reflected on her relationship with God, the more her untimely death began to make sense to me. I realized that I hadn’t seen the whole picture.
Perhaps God had called Alyssa home because she had fulfilled her purpose on Earth according to His divine plan. Maybe God was shielding her from some future danger or hardship that we couldn’t foresee. Perhaps He intended to use her passing to touch the lives of others, to serve as a warning about the fragility of life. While the picture of her life didn’t unfold as we had imagined, it turned out perfectly for her because she is now safe in the loving arms of Jesus, the One she had longed to be with all along.
Navigating Unforeseen Paths:
At the tender age of thirteen, receiving a diagnosis of Insulin-Dependent Diabetes was never part of the life I had envisioned for myself. It was certainly not a goal I had jotted down on any list, nor did I ever anticipate developing an eating disorder. But let me paint a picture of how, as a moody teenager, I was only seeing a fraction of the larger canvas of my life.
On the day of my diagnosis, all I could focus on were the needles and glucose checks that would now be a constant presence in my life. I mourned the loss of spontaneous late-night pizza binges with friends, unable to see the bigger picture that God had in mind for my journey. In truth, God was patiently working on filling in the parts of the portrait that I couldn’t yet comprehend. Little did I realize that the tapestry of my life was intricately connected to individuals from thousands of miles away. Before I could fully grasp the beauty of how my life was unfolding, I had to wait for another character from a different story to be introduced into mine. There would be numerous unexpected twists and turns before I would ever begin to fathom why God had entrusted me with this disease.
The Intersection of Diabetes and Eating Disorders:
Unlike many individuals with diabetes, I didn’t struggle with an eating disorder during my teenage years. It was after giving birth to our daughter that I started to manipulate my insulin intake in an attempt to lose weight. Ironically, I wouldn’t have had insulin in my possession if I hadn’t been diagnosed with diabetes in the first place. I was impatient to shed the pregnancy weight, foolishly believing I could fit into my favorite jeans just days after our daughter, Haley, was born. Little did I know, it wouldn’t be that simple.
The quickest weight loss I had ever experienced was in the weeks leading up to my diabetes diagnosis during my freshman year of high school. In less than two weeks, I dropped thirteen pounds due to alarmingly high and unrecognized blood glucose levels. I felt constantly tired and hungry, but I couldn’t pinpoint the cause. I ate like a grown man, yet the pounds melted away. After my diagnosis, the doctors explained that my rapid weight loss was a result of Diabetic Ketoacidosis, a life-threatening condition that forces the body to use fat and muscle for fuel. It leads to significant weight loss as long as it remains untreated. Keep in mind that diabetes can also be fatal if left untreated.
Following my pregnancy, I decided to focus on the potential weight loss if I allowed my blood sugar to run “a little high” for a couple of weeks. Those initial weeks of lax control turned into years and plunged me into a severe eating disorder. I embraced starvation, diet pills, bulimia, and consistently omitted insulin. It’s essential to understand that insulin injections are not optional but a critical requirement for my survival. Here I was, knowingly endangering my life, ignoring the fact that death could be just moments away, all in pursuit of losing weight, which seemed to fall off me like leaves from an autumn tree.
Finding Purpose in Unexpected Places:
The point I’m trying to convey here will become clearer as we go along. If you’re wondering about the big picture, stay with me.
If I had never experienced the detrimental effects of an eating disorder and addiction on my mental and physical well-being, I would never have been compelled to write a book about my experiences. When I self-published “Slow Suicide,” I had no idea about the impact it might have. I wasn’t sure if it would reach anyone beyond my family and friends. The response was both inspiring and heartbreaking. I was inspired by the positive feedback I received, but it was heartbreaking to hear from individuals who had also suffered from the same behaviors I had exhibited for so long. These people found solace in my book because they no longer felt alone. Rewarding? Absolutely. But it was also sad that they had never encountered anyone with whom they could discuss their struggles.
I felt that God had given me a disease. He knew I could survive to help others understand that they were not alone. A friendship that formed as a result of “Slow Suicide” came from an unlikely source in Wales. My newfound friend, Sara, reached out to me on Facebook to express her gratitude for writing about how she felt. She had felt isolated in her journey, unable to discuss her concerns with her medical providers, and was relieved to discover that she wasn’t the only one going through this ordeal. After a few years of correspondence, Sara flew from Wales to Nashville, TN, to meet me and my family. We spent the day together, touring the city and sightseeing. Seeing her in person that day filled in a part of the picture God was painting in my life. The big picture I had been missing while questioning His plans was finally revealed to me. Others would need to hear my story to help them cope with their own.
Sara now works tirelessly to raise awareness about diabetes and eating disorders. She speaks to medical personnel, mental health providers, and even to Parliament about the importance of mental health awareness in cases involving health diagnoses such as diabetes. She sends me copies of her speeches, and every time; she mentions my book as an inspiration to her. She has probably sold more books for me than I have for myself. I wrote that book in 2012, and just this week, she sent me a screenshot of an Instagram post where someone had shared a page from my book describing how it resonated with them. This is the big picture.
Finding Clarity in God’s Timing and Unseen Plans:
As much as we may want to know the plans the Lord has for us, He does not always reveal them on our timeline; rather, it’s on His timeline. We find guidance in the Bible in Jeremiah 29:11-13, which says, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
The Lord’s plans will always be greater than our biggest dreams. One day, it will all make sense when we see the whole picture. Trusting in His timing and His plans, even when they are not clear to us, is an act of faith that can lead to blessings we could not have imagined.