Most of the time, when I am writing a blog, I write to myself. There is something about putting my thoughts down on paper that helps me. I touched on this in the blog about journaling. I am titling this “Spiritually Sick” because that is what I am. I am not sure how to explain it, but I am going to try.
Finding Redemption in the Shadows
I’ve always found solace in the embrace of the Church. It’s not merely a routine for me; it’s the essence of my upbringing. My parents instilled in me the significance of Sunday school and the sermons preached every week. Amidst it all, I found joy in the company of peers my age. The biblical tales we absorbed became threads woven into the fabric of my understanding, and I cherished them in a way that set my heart aglow.
Yet, my struggle with memory persisted. Unlike my peers, effortlessly recalling passages and verses, I often felt like a pilgrim lagging behind on the path of biblical knowledge. Despite my earnest attempts, the details eluded me, leaving me feeling inadequate. The thought that I might be unworthy of God’s love haunted me, a sentiment not grounded in reason but entrenched in my own insecurities.
Even today, I grapple with the locations of certain passages in the Bible. I can articulate the teachings, but the act of pinpointing them necessitates a search. It perpetuates a sense of inferiority that echoes through my spiritual journey. I long to effortlessly share verses, a skill that seems to elevate others, leaving me feeling perpetually beneath.
The Hope of Healing the Spiritual Malaise
My spiritual ailment reveals itself in my struggle to maintain a consistent prayer life. Darkness clouds my thoughts, hindering the easy communion with God that I once embraced. Though I force myself to pray sporadically, it no longer flows effortlessly. The awareness of prayer’s importance is not lost on me – it’s a direct channel to God, a lifeline. Yet, the difficulty I face in approaching the Divine suggests an affliction of the spirit.
Why do I feel spiritually sick? It’s an unexplainable ailment that casts a shadow on my daily communion with the Divine. The struggle to pray, a task so essential, seems inconceivable for one seeking solace and healing from the Creator. In the end, the spiritually sick, like me, grapple with reaching out to the One who can mend all wounds and soothe every troubled mind.
A Period of Seeking Nourishment
I believe I am undernourished spiritually. I had sought advice and assistance from a church elder after losing both my parents and my closest friend. Nothing resulted from that. I requested a period of time to gather my thoughts prior to returning to church service, but this was not granted. I was starving for God’s word, but instead, I was getting lessons on Greek terminology that were used in the Bible instead of real-life lessons.
Please understand that I am not laying the blame. I’m just giving the facts as they are. It took me a few years to receive spiritual nourishment. Yes, I attended Church and took part in many activities, but it was not helpful to me. I was not benefiting from the lessons. I was famished for God’s word, its milk and meat. In actuality, I still am. I feel that my spiritual wounds from all the trauma I suffered over a short period of time may never fully heal.
The spiritual collisions are severe. I require healing. We switched congregations today, and I’m on a much better path. I just try to incorporate the lessons into my everyday life even though I enjoy the weekly lessons. Every day, a friend of mine will send me encouraging messages. He promises to send me phrases from recovery books, prayers, and Bible verses.
I received messages during a difficult time in my life, and I still read them every day. Some of the messages are heartbreaking, but I am grateful for a friend who sends me inspiring thoughts on a daily basis. This friend is truly devoted to our friendship, unlike some friends in the past who chose to ignore my struggles. Through my experiences, I have learned who my true friends are.
The Challenge of Worship Service Reflections
Something else that proves to me that I am spiritually sick is how certain aspects of worship service bother me. It irritates me when the song leader stops to read a few bible verses and gives us a “mini-sermon.” My sickness tells me that he is just seeking attention, but in reality, it irritates me because I wish I had a strong spirit like he seems to have. He seems to have a deep connection that I have been seeking. He is trying to feed us God’s word, and my sickness is rejecting it. It feels like a wall has been built, and for some reason, I cannot see over the wall or tear it down.
When Human Actions Challenge Belief
Sometimes, the dark side of me thinks that God has let me down. I know it was not God who let me down; it was humans in the Church, some of my friends, and even some of my family. The people I needed the most did not seem to be there. Even after having a nervous breakdown, very few were there to help. I feel like the nervous breakdown would not have happened had the Elders of the Church taken my request seriously. My faith became very weak very quickly.
Once Saved, Always Saved
Some do not believe that you can fall away from God. Some believe in “once saved, always saved.” Here are a couple of examples of why I do not believe in “once saved, always saved.” 1 Timothy 4:1-3 ESV says: “Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons, through the insincerity of liars whose consciences are seared, who forbid marriage and require abstinence from foods that God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth.” Matthew 24:10-13 says: “And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.”
From Blame to Faith, Embracing the Solution in Spiritual Healing
A friend of mine once wisely said, “If you focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger. If you focus on the solution, the solution gets bigger.” My attention has been fixated on how people have failed me, leading me to place blame on God. This spiritual sickness originates from a deep spiritual wound that has festered, making me unwell. Now, I must shift my focus toward the solution, recognizing that the past cannot be altered. As Terry always emphasized, “Life is just a series of adjustments. We get to choose what adjustments we want to make.” It’s time for me to concentrate on the solution, allowing the problem to diminish.
Jeremiah 29:13 NLT says: “If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”
Maybe I have not looked wholeheartedly. Maybe I have focused so much on the problem I have lost sight of who God really is. I still have an exceptionally long road ahead of me. I cannot rebuild my faith overnight. I have to focus on the solution, which is God. I have to pray more; I have to look wholeheartedly instead of putting on my blindfold and saying, “Poor pitiful me.” As another friend told me, “Stop struggling. Let it happen. Do not go through what I have done to get back to a place of rebuilding. You can accept a complete deflation of yourself.”
James 4:8 NLT says: “Come close to God, and God will come close to you.”
When I read this, I have to remember that I have to come close to God before God will come close to me. I have to make the first move. I have to focus on the solution, not the problem.
I wanted to write this because I know that I am not alone. I know that there are a lot of people in the same situation. I know there are people all over the world who are struggling with their faith. Again, when I write, I write to myself. There is just something about writing to yourself that makes things sink in more.
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