~ Edward Hooper.
My story involves several twists and turns. I am a retread, an addict, and an alcoholic who had a few years of sobriety after spending 90 days at a treatment center. A retread, which is my terminology for those who live in sobriety yet go back out to the insanity of alcoholism and addiction. That is what I am. I eventually gave in to my desire to live in a way I had not wanted to return to. As a part of my story, I earned a DUI and returned to a modified outpatient treatment program. Obviously, there was something that I didn’t grasp of the first time around. Things seemed to be better for a while, but there was still a feeling of being alienated from my family, acquaintances, and even from my AA groups. During my second long-term treatment, I started to read some things about spiritual connection that were illuminating. Several discussion groups revolved around spirituality. There were discussions with other long-term treatment participants that ended with my realization of a state that could mean sobriety in the long run.
Navigating the Intersection of Faith, Recovery, and Open-mindedness:
I had been a good little churchgoer in my younger years. Attendance waned when I started college, but I got back to it and had meaningful discussions with people about my understanding of spirituality. I met with a group of men for a couple of years and began to understand the need and purpose of close and honest interaction with other people. That had been missing previously in my life. Then came my first long-term treatment. I was able to be directed to such things as open-mindedness and willingness, honesty, character defects, and other things that are a reality. It was an enlightening experience from which I greatly benefitted… or so I thought. I had not addressed some issues which are vital in recovering from alcoholism. Dr. Silkworth introduces this component as an “entire psychic change.” (Alcoholics anonymous p. xxix)
Although I knew about a higher power (whom I call God), I had not been open to someone else’s views and did not want that to affect my religious understanding and conceptions. I read through the sections on a reliance on a higher power with bias. This bias affected my intent to take the program as it was written and has been followed for decades.
A Candid Exploration of Steps 3 and 11 in Recovery:
My bias prevented an honest intent to address several of the steps, especially steps 3 and 11. There are three sets of stories in the back of Alcoholics Anonymous, which are organized into three types of alcoholics.
The first set is titled Pioneers of Alcoholics Anonymous, taken from the “original 100” members of AA; the second is They Stopped in Time, those who had a “high-bottom” type of alcoholism and stopped drinking before their life became completely demolished; and the third is They Lost Nearly All, which is about low-bottom alcoholics who had descended into the very lowest depths of life. Alcoholics Anonymous states, on p. 23 of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, that the first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous “…dealt with low-bottom cases only. Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A. but did not succeed because they could not make admission of hopelessness.” It is because there is a lack of desperation that some alcoholics do not stop drinking or return to it. I have been of that sort, unwilling to admit complete hopelessness. Unwilling to give completely to God, my higher power, my will, and my life. As a result, I relapsed, much as Bill W. and countless alcoholics have done.
A Journey to Surrender and Serenity:
Today, I seek to fully submit myself. My preexisting biases and opinions must be smashed. I have never been an atheist nor an agnostic, although I have allowed things I have learned about specific terms to remain in my bias. But as I read p. 46 in Alcoholics Anonymous, the Realm of the Spirit is “never exclusive or exclusive to those who earnestly seek it.” My biases are but a blockade to the full benefit of this Realm of the Spirit and have prevented the release of myself to my higher power. I previously lost sight of sobriety and serenity because I had retained some control of my beliefs. I am not changing religions, nor am I changing my higher power. I am simply doing what was suggested decades ago: earnestly seeking a relationship with my higher power.
I have had much more peace of late. I meditate and pray more often. I am learning more about “Thy will, not mine.” I feel surrounded and helped by God.