Unraveling the Threads of Faith:
In the previous segment, I shared the intricate fabric of my journey, woven with questions, doubts, and the agony of loss. As I continue this narrative, I delve deeper into the labyrinth of faith and the complex dance between prayer and divine answers.
The Unanswered Prayers:
In my heart and mind, it often feels like God has abandoned me. It’s as if my prayers are met with silence, and my pleas go unanswered. Yet, deep within, I know this isn’t the whole truth. I remind myself that God always answers prayers, though His responses might not align with my desires or expectations. Sometimes, His answer is simply “no.”
A Book’s Revelation:
In the first part of this series, I introduced a book that has been a guiding light on this path of introspection – “Forgiving What We Can’t Forget” by Lysa Terkeurst. A particular chapter, “Forgiving God,” struck a chord within me. It unveiled a facet of my struggle: when God’s answers don’t align with my wishes, it shakes my faith. It’s the human instinct to question, to desire control.
The Human Need for Control:
That desire for control often stems from the addict within me, the part that craves order amidst chaos. However, this book has imparted a powerful insight: When I find myself wrestling with God’s responses, it’s time to shift my perspective. Instead of clinging to the outcomes I’ve envisioned, I must open myself to the possibility that God’s answer might be different, a solution I hadn’t considered.
Reframing Expectations:
Allow me to revisit an example from my life. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, I fervently prayed that he would witness my daughter’s high school graduation. In my mind’s eye, I pictured him sitting among the audience, sharing in this precious milestone. And yes, my prayer was answered. Yet, not in the way I expected. My father watched the graduation from his hospital bed just days before his passing.
Seeing the Answer in Unexpected Places:
This realization struck me – often, I’m so fixated on the predetermined outcome that I overlook the answer that’s right in front of me. God does answer, but His response might manifest differently from what I’ve pictured. This tangled web of expectations and reality often leads me to blame God for not answering when, in fact, He has answered, just not in the way I dictated.
The Path of Faith:
Amidst these perplexing emotions, I must remind myself that God doesn’t adhere to my directives. He knows what’s best in every situation. Though His plan may elude me initially, this is where faith steps in. It’s about trusting that God’s plan surpasses my comprehension, even when the path is unclear.
A Different Perspective on Healing:
Reflecting on the past, I realize that my prayers for my father to overcome cancer were indeed answered. He beat cancer, just not in the manner I envisioned. He’s now in a realm free from pain, anxiety, and sickness. He’s found the peace he longed for. My father’s victory over cancer took him to a place of eternal tranquility, a different kind of healing.
A Husband’s Love Beyond the Veil:
My father’s passing deeply impacted my mother, leaving her shattered and adrift. Their profound bond was unbreakable, a love story that transcended earthly boundaries. God’s wisdom shone through in the timing of their departures. My father’s departure spared him the agony of witnessing my mother’s struggle. He was spared the heartache, and perhaps that was God’s ultimate mercy.
Navigating Unseen Territories:
As my father’s health declined, his kidneys began to falter. My role as a professional in a dialysis company became deeply personal. I prayed fervently for his recovery, hoping that dialysis would rekindle his kidney function. I wished for a smooth treatment, free of complications. In a cruel twist of fate, my father’s health deteriorated during his dialysis session, leading to his passing that very day.
The Weight of Unresolved Grief:
Recall how, in the previous part of this blog, I mentioned my boss’ disapproval of my desire to take a week off following my father’s funeral. Little did they realize this was just one of the many reasons I craved that time off. The truth is, I wasn’t emotionally prepared to return to work and confront the very machine that my father’s life had slipped away on. The impact this had on my psyche went unnoticed by those around me. To this day, a haunting question continues to echo within me: “What if something had gone awry with that machine? Could it have been responsible for my father’s passing?” The struggle with these thoughts persists. These machines, a constant presence in my daily life, are a stark reminder. Adding to this is the unavoidable path I tread past the ICU room, Room 723, where my father took his last breath. The significance of that room is etched in my memory, a room I must pass each time I access the hospital’s water systems.
The Weight of Diagnosis:
Living with the aftermath, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, a diagnosis stemming from various factors. Can you imagine how my PTSD surges when I’m compelled to walk past that room? Even encountering the doctor who tended to my father during his treatment sends my emotions into a tumultuous spin. The reality often veers from the script I had envisaged. This wasn’t how I had hoped God would respond to my pleas.
A Heartfelt Plea Unanswered:
Fast forward to the subsequent year when my mother’s battle with COVID-19 emerged. Once more, I turned to prayer, seeking divine intervention. My plea was straightforward – safeguard my mother, spare her from the severity of the virus, and ensure her well-being. In simpler terms, let her avoid lasting harm or succumbing to COVID-19. This was the answer I yearned for from the divine. Yet, as life would have it, God’s plan took a different course.
A Discovery of Desolation:
During my mother’s hospitalization, I ventured to her home to retrieve some requested items. It was during this visit that I stumbled upon a journal, a collection of letters she had penned to my late father. These letters were a portal to her heart’s true desires. In these candid reflections, she poured out her yearning to reunite with my dad. The ache of living without him the challenge of navigating a world that felt empty in his absence, all found their place within those pages. She concealed this pain from us, masking her sadness to shield us from worry.
Divine Answers Unanticipated:
God’s reply to my prayers wasn’t the one I had petitioned for. However, His response seemed to align with my mother’s earnest pleas. In her case, God granted her wish, allowing her to be reunited with my father after a mere twelve months and six days of separation. Her prayers had been answered, even if the path to their fulfillment was laden with sorrow. God’s wisdom surpassed our human understanding, steering her towards what was ultimately best.
The House God Renovates:
In the words of C.S. Lewis, we envision ourselves as houses undergoing divine renovation. We often believe we grasp the extent of necessary work – minor repairs, perhaps a fresh coat of paint – and then the sledgehammer of the divine will shatter our perceptions. In the midst of this upheaval, confusion takes root, and pain courses through us, but perhaps the architect’s vision is far grander than ours. What we perceive as a humble cottage, God envisions as a majestic mansion, a dwelling He plans to inhabit Himself. Yet, our gaze is limited to our imagination’s scope.
The Struggle Against Doubt:
Today, I grapple with the realization that doubting God is inadvertently aligning with Satan’s schemes. When I waver, when anger towards God simmers within me, I’m unwittingly succumbing to the adversary’s desires. Satan exploits our vulnerabilities, knowing which emotional strings to pull. If we drop our guard, he tiptoes into our minds and lives, insidiously taking hold. Acknowledging that our comprehension of God’s grand narrative is partial at best is essential. Satan endeavors to convince us that God has betrayed us, capitalizing on our doubts and conveniently ignoring that God is beyond the realm of sin.
Seeking Clarity in the Spiritual Battle:
Amid this spiritual warfare, my prayer is for God to unveil the veils from my eyes, granting me discernment against Satan’s tactics. Amid the earthly realm, my perspective is skewed toward losses endured rather than the gains experienced by my loved ones and friends. I walked away in a moment of vulnerability, targeted by Satan’s assault when I was weakest. He struck me when I was down, but today, I stand tall, fists clenched, ready to face the battle. I acknowledge I’m not where I should be but am a testament to ongoing transformation.