We’ve all encountered the age-old adage, “Big girls don’t cry,” or its counterpart, “tough guys don’t cry.” Society, for years, has placed an enormous burden on individuals to embody qualities such as strength, courage, toughness, or any other label you might choose to apply. However, when we delve into the realm of mental health and advocate for greater awareness, it becomes evident that society must reassess how it compels people to stifle their grief, concerns, anxieties and even struggles with addiction. Keeping our emotions sealed within us over prolonged periods isn’t conducive to our well-being. In fact, it’s akin to turning ourselves into pressure cookers, where the pressure builds steadily, and sooner or later, an explosive release becomes inevitable.
The Taboo We Must Break:
Based on a recent Google search I conducted, suicides in the United States reached a grim milestone in 2022, with a staggering 49,449 individuals taking their own lives. According to Google’s data, this marked a troubling 3.1% increase from the previous year. It’s a stark reminder that while the pandemic and lockdowns have played a part in exacerbating depression and anxiety, the issue of suicide has deep-seated roots. Despite its prevalence, we continue to shy away from open discussions about it, and several factors contribute to this reticence.
One significant factor is the inherent bleakness of the subject matter. Few people wish to acknowledge or admit to having suicidal thoughts themselves, let alone confront the possibility that someone they care about might be experiencing such anguish. Yet, if we were to be honest, it’s likely that many individuals have, at some point, grappled with fleeting thoughts of this nature.
Another obstacle to open dialogue surrounding suicide is the woeful lack of mental health education in our society. We diligently learn how to perform life-saving techniques like CPR when someone stops breathing or the Heimlich maneuver if someone chokes. We’re equipped to apply a bandage when someone sustains a physical injury. However, when it comes to mental health, the average person simply lacks the knowledge and resources to engage in candid conversations about suicide.
One troubling aspect of our societal approach to suicide is the extent to which we trivialize it. Casual, offhand remarks like “I’m gonna blow my brains out” or mimicking a gun gesture to the head as a joke has become all too common. But have you ever been in a situation where someone confided in you, expressing their intention to end their own life? Have you engaged in that gut-wrenching conversation with someone in crisis? I have, and I can attest that regardless of the manner in which such threats are conveyed, they must always be taken with utmost seriousness.
The Triggering Incident:
I have some personal anecdotes to share about the impact of suicide threats on my life, starting from an early age.
As a child, I can vividly recall a particular evening when my grandmother urgently phoned my father, asking him to come over to their house because my grandfather had hastily grabbed a firearm and headed towards the barn. Our home was less than a quarter-mile away from theirs, and I remember us hastily piling into the car and racing up to their house. That night, my grandparents were supposed to be looking after me, as my parents and older brother had to attend a school event. Upon our arrival, it became clear why my grandfather was so distraught.
The neighboring landowner had used a backhoe to excavate the front portion of my grandparents’ yard, causing their embankment to collapse onto a gravel road that bordered their property. This act of aggression had driven my grandfather to a breaking point, and he felt utterly powerless in the face of such destruction.
My parents and my grandmother managed to calm him down eventually. I’ll never forget the fear in my young eyes, and my grandfather repeatedly apologized, begging me not to be angry with him. It was an incredibly dramatic experience for me, especially considering my tender age. However, I never held my grandfather in any less esteem for the way he felt that night. I understood that whatever had been troubling him was genuinely significant in his eyes, even if it might have seemed trivial to others.
Reflecting on that incident, I can’t help but wonder how differently it might have been had my grandfather not had the support of family to talk to that night. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a family they can turn to in moments of crisis. If you are among those who do, consider it a precious blessing to be cherished.
The Weight of Unfounded Allegations:
I have another significant memory involving someone I’m close to. To keep their privacy, I won’t share their name, but I believe it’s essential to tell this story. It reminds us that our everyday interactions with people can have a big impact, even if we don’t realize it at the time.
In this situation, I knew what this person was going through. False accusations in the local media had harmed their reputation. It’s surprisingly easy these days for someone to make others doubt you, whether it’s true or not. This person got caught in this unfair situation. Those of us who knew them supported and believed in them, but we know how rumors and gossip can hurt a person. It takes a toll on your mind and body because you’re always defending your good name.
I didn’t know about this until years later. This person had seen their lawyer in a nearby town and was driving back home. They were feeling scared and overwhelmed. They came to a bridge and thought about crashing into it, ending their life. But just before they did, they remembered a conversation we had about my future. They wanted to be part of that future with me, so they chose not to crash. Thankfully, they went on to be a part of the event they had imagined that day. This story shows how important our connections with others can be. If this person hadn’t remembered that others cared about them, things would have turned out very differently.
The Art of Asking:
Every time I step into my local Walmart supercenter, it reminds me of a phone conversation I had with a former co-worker. Back then, there was a McDonald’s at the back of the store, and I found myself sitting in the dining area, desperately trying to convince my friend not to take his own life. He and his wife were in the midst of a heated argument about his addiction struggles. He had relapsed, and she was threatening to leave him. In his darkest moment, he believed he had no reason to carry on living.
Another co-worker reached out to me, asking if I could talk to him to help prevent him from making a devastating choice. Let me tell you, finding the right words to say to someone who is on the brink of suicide at the other end of a phone line is a situation I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I’m no expert or counselor, but all I could do was remind him of how much he meant to his friends and family, even his wife, who was currently angry with him. I recounted the times he had been there for me when I was battling my eating disorder and my fear of seeking help. I stressed that his current predicament didn’t define him as a person. Setbacks are temporary, and I pleaded with him not to throw his life away over something we all knew he could overcome.
Did my words single-handedly prevent him from taking his own life? Probably not. But did they make a difference, showing him that he had a friend on the other end of that phone line who cared deeply about him? Most definitely. Today, that individual is alive and thriving. Things could have taken a drastically different turn if he hadn’t felt that he had people who genuinely cared about him.
Sadly, not everyone who contemplates suicide discusses it openly before taking action. Most of the time, people don’t announce their intentions or drop hints or clues. However, there are often subtle signs that go unnoticed because we fail to look for nonverbal cues or practice empathetic communication. We don’t want to intrude or be a bother, so we stop asking questions like “Hey, are you okay?” or “Do you want to talk?” We avoid making a big deal out of things when someone’s mood seems off because we don’t want to come across as overly concerned or nosy. But here’s the truth: suicide is something we must take seriously. If something seems amiss, it’s far better to be the friend who’s overly protective than to regret not having intervened when it mattered most.
A Heartfelt Remembrance:
A few years back, I received the heartbreaking news of a former co-worker’s untimely overdose. This was a person who had been smart, funny, and deeply caring, and his passing weighed heavily on my heart. We had spent several years working together, and he played a pivotal role in my journey towards recovery from my eating disorder. His mother, being in the medical field, would discuss my diabetes-related issues and self-destructive behaviors with him. He, in turn, arranged for me to see her, which ultimately led to an appointment that saved my life (I’ll delve into this in another blog post). Knowing of his passing, I couldn’t help but wonder about his mental state. I prayed that his overdose had been accidental and that he didn’t feel isolated in his final moments. I hoped he somehow sensed my profound gratitude for everything he had done for me. And I questioned whether there were any signs I had missed about his struggles, as I had been so preoccupied with my own battles. I’m not implying that anything could have prevented his tragic end, but I fervently wished that he hadn’t died feeling alone. To this day, hearing a Conway Twitty song on the radio brings back memories as he used to stroll around work singing “Lay Me Down.” The takeaway here is clear: pay attention to the signs. No, not just notice them—actively seek them out.
When we embarked on this blog, I read one of my husband’s posts where he candidly recounted a day when he had contemplated suicide, a gun in his mouth, and a friend unexpectedly called him. That friend had no inkling of what Jason was going through at that precise moment—it was purely a fortuitous coincidence. Even though I was living with Jason at the time, I had no inkling that he had reached such a dire point in his life where suicide felt like the only escape. Why didn’t I notice? Because we tend to believe that such things couldn’t possibly happen to someone we know. However, the painful truth is that suicide does happen to people we know and love. Every day, someone takes their own life because they believe it’s their sole way out of the grip of grief, depression, or anxiety. They view it as the only means to escape financial burdens, health woes, aging parents, or growing children. We owe it to ourselves and those around us to do better. We must allow people to express their pain without shaming them for crying or feeling upset. We need to extend a helping hand to those who feel overwhelmed. While thoughts and prayers have their place, it’s our actions that can make the most significant difference. If we genuinely want to combat the scourge of suicide in our country, we must take meaningful steps to reach out and support those who need it most.
Strength in Vulnerability:
Everyone I’ve mentioned in this post is a remarkable individual who has enriched my life in countless ways. They embody strength and goodness, and their stories underscore a fundamental truth: even the strongest among us experience moments of vulnerability. It’s crucial that we refrain from judgment when people find themselves in those moments of weakness. Strong individuals, just like anyone else, have every right to cry, to grieve, and to hurt. Nobody can maintain unwavering strength all the time; it’s simply not humanly possible.
The Bible imparts a profound lesson about supporting one another: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Sharing our burdens makes them lighter to bear. No one on this planet should ever feel so utterly alone that they contemplate taking their own life. If you’re struggling, please know that there are people who genuinely want to help you. We’ve been through difficult times ourselves, and we’re here to listen and support you. Alternatively, don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
You are significant to someone, and we mean that from the bottom of our hearts.