Breakups are a universal experience. Whether you’re the one initiating the separation or the one caught off guard, it always stings. But, sometimes, breakups are essential. Imagine a world where every relationship lasts forever – the music industry would lack its most heartfelt songs. Some of the most powerful ballads stem from heartbreak. One breakup crucial for your mental well-being is the one with the addiction causing you unrecognized pain.
Understanding Personalized Struggles:
As discussed in previous posts, addiction varies from person to person. Alcohol and drugs may not tempt me, but I grapple with an addiction to extreme dieting and self-harm through drastic weight loss practices. For me, parting ways with a substance would be effortless, but when it came to my eating disorder, it felt like losing a close friend – even if that “friend” was slowly harming me.
The Rollercoaster of Addiction:
Much like new relationships, addiction brought its share of highs and lows into my life. The highs included watching the numbers drop on the scale, counting the days without eating, pushing the limits without insulin, and receiving compliments as the pounds shed. Just like in relationships, we tend to showcase our high points. What I concealed, however, were the physical and mental torment I endured. High blood sugar levels took a toll on my body, and the relentless pursuit of losing more weight drained me mentally. Just like in an abusive relationship, I kept the self-inflicted pain hidden to prevent anyone from intervening. I needed to break free from my addiction, but I was terrified of letting go. It had become my way of life, and I had grown accustomed to the misery, making it challenging to step into the unfamiliar territory of hope.
Personifying the Enemy:
I nicknamed my addiction, ED, for an eating disorder. I even referred to it as a person. “Old ED got the best of me yesterday,” or “I can’t eat until I check with ED.” Odd as it may sound, comprehending how addiction takes over your life is essential for self-care and mental health. You must grasp how much control you are surrendering to addiction, much like yielding control to a partner in a relationship. Breaking up with an actual person may be easier; you can simply avoid them until you’re ready to see them again. But how do you break up with something born in your own mind?
The Clean Break:
Like any breakup, when you’re ready to part ways with addiction, a clean break is necessary. Don’t promise to remain friends with your ex-partner in relationships, and don’t make deals with yourself about your addiction. I used to reassure myself, “Just one more time, and I’ll quit.” It doesn’t work that way. “One more time” is both too much and not enough simultaneously. If you’re an alcoholic, you can’t convince yourself to drink only on Friday nights. It requires complete cessation; otherwise, you’re ensnared in old habits again. Each time I told myself that I’d indulge in one more round of not eating or insulin avoidance, it became increasingly challenging to stop.
The Path to Healing:
Making a clean break means letting go and transforming completely. When I began my breakup with addiction, I had to undergo a thorough “cleaning” process. Initially, I had to empty my purse of diuretics and laxatives I used for weight loss. I had to clear my car of the scales I carried everywhere for constant weigh-ins. I also had to curate my Facebook friends list since inspirational weight loss stories triggered me, inciting a desire to lose more weight. I unfollowed and, eventually, blocked some individuals to shield myself from seeing their success. I’m happy for them, but I had to develop emotional awareness about what I could and couldn’t handle seeing.
I eventually changed jobs, not because the job caused my addiction, but because it’s where I fell ill. And healing doesn’t happen when you get sick. I needed a change of scenery, a place where nobody knew my past, where I could start anew. I was ready to embrace life again and needed a fresh beginning.
Embracing the Breakup:
Breaking up is never easy, but think about some of your past personal relationships. They ended for a reason, and in hindsight, you’re likely better off without them. The same holds true for addiction. The breakup will be challenging, and learning to live again takes time. For me, returning to normal eating habits, taking insulin, and establishing routines took a while. But, like any breakup, brighter days lie ahead. You just need the desire to reach them