I have not been the same since I experienced a nervous breakdown in 2022. That was one of the scariest experiences I have ever had. I simply am not the same person anymore. As bad as I fight to regain my old self, I just have not succeeded.
The struggle to reclaim my former self has been an uphill battle, marked by setbacks and a persistent sense of loss.
Today, I am filled with restlessness. I am filled with anxiety from the perturbation. I am constantly nervous. I will say that my racing thoughts have calmed down a lot since I started counseling a few weeks after my nervous breakdown.
I no longer have the replay of my father, mother, and best friend’s deaths. While their presence is a daily contemplation, the incessant replay center that once haunted my every waking moment has mercifully ceased its 24/7 operation. Each day is a step forward on the path to healing, a testament to the resilience within that refuses to be extinguished.
A Daily Struggle for Calm and Composure:
Restlessness is an indescribable force, an urge that refuses to let me be still. After a mere couple of minutes, my body demands movement—whether it’s bouncing a leg, aimlessly walking around, or my arms swinging without reason. The discomfort is palpable, and while there are medications that offer relief, I tread cautiously, fearing the shadow of addiction.
Trapped within my own body, I find myself unable to control my reactions to certain situations. It’s as if I’ve been coded to respond in specific ways under certain circumstances.
Large crowds trigger nervousness, a sensation that deep breaths and closed eyes struggle to pacify. Long lines in stores and noisy restaurants amplify my anxiety, especially when neighboring conversations intrude on my attempt to savor a meal. The holiday rush, with its heightened activity, adds an extra layer of unease.
Today, the confines of my home witness relentless pacing. Nothing manages to captivate my attention for more than 30 minutes. My mind careens from one thing to another uncontrollably, making the simplest tasks at work an uphill battle. Some days, the challenge of sitting in my office when my body craves movement elsewhere feels insurmountable. If only I could convey the essence of this struggle in a way that everyone could truly grasp.
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Post-Breakdown Uncertainties:
Before my breakdown, our weekends were filled with invitations from friends, creating a lively social scene. Today, it’s not quite the same. I can’t pinpoint whether it’s because of changes in me or just the ebb and flow of life. The absence of those weekend outings, the spontaneous trips we used to embark on – I miss it all dearly. The camaraderie of the collaborative projects feels like a distant memory. I can’t help but wonder if my post-breakdown self plays a role in this shift, a time when everything took an unexpected turn.
Anticipating anything has become a precarious endeavor for me. It’s as if life throws me curveballs, and my head, post-breakdown, struggles to handle them gracefully. Take, for instance, a recent excitement – the arrival of a new laser cutter/engraver from a reputable brand. The prospect of diving into creative projects was exhilarating. However, the joy was short-lived when the machine didn’t cooperate during setup. Not anger, but a sense of disappointment engulfed me. I eagerly awaited this device and envisioned a weekend filled with crafting, only to face technical glitches.
As of now, I’m still awaiting a resolution from the manufacturer. Will I receive a replacement? A refund? The uncertainty gnaws at me, questioning the investment made to engage and occupy my mind. The situation leaves my head spinning, a reaction I can’t escape, a consequence of how I’m wired post-breakdown. The looming uncertainty will occupy my thoughts until a resolution emerges.
This unresolved state amplifies my restlessness, causing me to pace and allowing my mind to wander. Two years ago, a setback like this would have fueled frustration, yet today, I find myself hitting a metaphorical pause button. It’s as if I refuse to proceed until things align as they should.
Living with this constant agitation is exasperating. Always in motion, always contemplating, finding stillness only with the aid of certain medications. It’s akin to developing a form of ADD since the breakdown, making it harder to process things than it was two years ago. Much seems nonsensical, and you’ll likely hear me utter “I don’t understand” more frequently today than in the past.
The pain of Unanswered Calls for Help:
I miss my friends; I miss the laid-back attitude I once had. I miss weekend getaways with friends. I miss going into public without getting anxious. It makes life very frustrating and hard for me today. I am still trying to recover my spirituality. I am still trying to rebuild my faith. I am still trying to get my life back together every day. I question myself every day on why after asking my former minister for help, why nobody ever followed up to help me. Is my soul not worth it? I still have a lot of questions I ask myself daily.
I ask myself if I did or said something wrong to my friends for them to not come around anymore. Did I do something that made the minister uncomfortable talking to me when I was at my lowest point and even thought about taking my own life?
I guess people will always be people. One thing that hurt my feelings the most was when we changed church congregations, the minister never reached out to me. Even after writing a letter to an Elder explaining my struggles. The Elder did get back to me with an apology and expressed his willingness to help, but the minister and other Elders never said a single word. That hurt my feelings and made me feel like I was never necessary. I was just a warm body to fill roles in worship service. That really messed with my head as well.
Illuminating the Path of Hope for Others:
I am writing this blog because I know I am not the only person in the world struggling. I am writing my honest feelings so that maybe others out there can relate to them and see that they are not alone. As lonely as I may feel sometimes, I know others think and face the same issues. I am just bringing mine to light, hoping that it will give someone else hope that they are not alone. Yearning for my lost friendships and carefree days, I ache for the ease of weekend getaways and the ability to face the world without crippling anxiety. Life has become an intricate puzzle, frustrating and challenging. The journey to rediscover my spirituality and rebuild my faith is a daily battle, one that leaves me questioning my worth. Why did my plea for help to my former minister go unanswered? Am I not deserving of assistance? These questions echo in my mind, a daily torment.
The uncertainty extends to my friendships – did I unknowingly drive them away? Did my struggles make my minister uncomfortable when I reached out in my darkest hour, contemplating my existence?
People can be elusive, and it stings. Changing church congregations brought a fresh wave of disappointment.
Despite pouring my heart into a letter to an Elder, only one responded with an apology and a willingness to help. The minister and another Elder remained silent, leaving me feeling inconsequential, a mere body to fill roles in worship service. It’s a painful realization that plays havoc with my emotions.
Yet, I share my raw emotions in this blog because I know I’m not alone in this struggle. I want others to read my story and find solace in knowing they’re not alone. Despite the loneliness, I’m aware that others face similar challenges. By shedding light on my journey, I hope to offer someone else the hope they need to endure their battles.
A Heartfelt Invitation to Share, Reflect, and Reach Out:
In baring my soul through this raw and heartfelt blog, my fervent hope is that it resonates with someone out there, offering solace or understanding. I wish those who know me will read these words and glimpse into the depths of my experiences. Share this blog; you never know whose heart it might touch.
To the person reading, leave us a comment with your thoughts. Your feedback matters. Don’t hesitate to seek help when needed; we all do. If you have a story to share or specific topics you’d like us to explore, email us at rentfreemedia@rent-freeliving.com. Even a simple “hi” is welcome – we want to connect with you!